There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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