90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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