Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
