I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
