If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
