How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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