Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
