Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
