The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
