she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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