She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I understand Curling. That high.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Randomize
