Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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