You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize
