Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
