Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
There r osticjed everywhere
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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