you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
