he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize