Plan B is the new Plan A
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I love you. Go after that dick
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
