There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
