I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
