I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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