I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
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