at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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