Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize
