i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize