I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
