How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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