So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
