Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
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