he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
