ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
