oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
being pregnant is like rehab
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
