I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
