Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
The air taste purple.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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