i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
