she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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