I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I said "one day" and that day is not today
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