I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize