I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
