1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
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