I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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