Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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