He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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