There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Drunk is not a location!
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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