My underwear smells like fireworks.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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