You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
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