Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
