Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
