textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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