I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
