I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize