Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
