k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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