and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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