I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Randomize
