By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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