what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
