We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
