Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
