Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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