I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize