There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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