did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
