I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
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