Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
