They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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