I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
