I'm jealous of your bromance
no, he came in my armpit
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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