What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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